“Death Be Not Proud...” I Am A Suicide Survivor.
In December of 2003, I nearly took my own life…
I had been married (for the 2nd time) for less than a week. Marrying her was a dumb impulsive decision that I rushed needlessly. She had some severe emotional issues and they gushed out as screaming drama and physical violence which were actually made worse by getting married. Stupid me thought marrying her would placate her and mollify her unpredictable rages that seemed to come daily. On the evening in question, after a particularly loud argument —she came at me with a kitchen knife (very nearly stabbing me in the chest). The NYPD were called to my loft on 20th street by a downstairs neighbor. What a scene!
Shattered. Ashamed. Deeply troubled with my new marriage, my failing finances and coping with MASSIVE changes to my career in the music industry — — I fled the apartment immediately after the police had left. In a daze, I walked for many blocks through Chelsea and into the Meat Packing District before I walked southward down the new bike lane near the just renovated Hudson River Park. I stopped and stared at the black and churning water of the Hudson River for what seemed hours. I wanted the noise in my head to stop. I heard my family, friends, colleagues and competitors laughing at me because my life had imploded. I imagined them circling me and they howled in laughter at how I was a total fuck-up. It was a raucous celebration of everything I feared. I started sobbing. I wanted the pain and shame to end.
Without thinking, I climbed the short fence on the dock and I lowered myself from the wooden pier down onto the mossy rocks below. I imagined swimming out into the freezing river and then tiring of dog paddling against the brisk current. With my arms exhausted and freezing, I would be covered by boat wash in icy watery death. This gruesome end seemed like an apt and deserving way for me to go; frozen and drowning. Hapless. Helpless. Hopeless.
Just then, I imagined the faces of my young children. Were they ashamed of me too? Would they even understand WHY daddy was gone? Would they grow-up ashamed of me because of what I was going to do versus where I had already failed? As I pondered, I put my right leg into the water and the river was VERY, very cold. The splashing tide got up to about my knee and the joint began to freeze stiff when suddenly I heard:
“Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Are you crazy? Get out of the fucking water! Now!” It was a Park Police officer running down the dock. He got to the fence. He shouted: “What are you DOING? Did you fall?” “No” I said quietly. “I didn’t fall”. “Oh…” he said understanding immediately what I meant. He called on his radio for an ambulance and for back-up. “Look, don’t go in — you’re going to freeze to death… Don’t you know you have a lot to live for and I don’t even KNOW you!” he shouted. “I gotta get some help to get you out of there.”
I slowly removed my now very frozen leg from the river and another officer had gotten down to where I was. After a few minutes, I was taken to the hospital and released by morning. The next day, I told my new wife that being married was a mistake and we should break-up. She wasn’t happy but she went back to Boston that evening. Amazingly, she fought to STAY married to me for months through her lawyer and then fought me for “what she was entitled to” for the 5 days we were actually together as a married couple — but that’s another story.
The suicide rate in this country has spiked in the last 5 years as the rich and famous and the not-so-rich and unknown seem to be reaching the same conclusions about life, the world and the choices we have when facing insurmountable obstacles, shame, embarrassment and issues with our wellness and mental health. Each story I hear in the news about a famous person ending their life brings me back to the shore of the Hudson River if but for a moment. The choice I made to live and to cope versus die… I am so happy that I have seen my children grow and that I have experienced real love. Someone said: “life is pain”. That might be true (sometimes) but life is also life. The option is NOT life and I am not quite ready for that yet! I think some people shelter themselves from the black & white reality of suicide and death. When you’re dead — you’re dead.
In the aftermath of my suicide attempt, I went to therapy, I did the Sterling “Men’s Weekend”, read books, did it with a lot of women and I spent many years looking for my ontological self at Landmark Worldwide; first as a participant and then as a seminar and course leader. My family and friends supported my “search” for myself and I know that I am miles away from being in danger of trying another attempt. However, depression can sneak-up on you and it can take you over no matter how “great” things are going.
In 2004, I recorded my most successful album to date “My Secret Heart” (The song “I Have Loved You for a Thousand Lifetimes” has over 35,000,000 streams on Spotify so far). In 2007, I won an Emmy® (my second). I can trace these achievements directly to my time in the river. Why? A near brush with one’s mortality can focus the mind and the heart. It can also give you the freedom to say “fuck it” when being safe and “normal” might be the expected thing to do. It can “spice-up” the creative process enormously. Needless to say, I shocked myself and I have caught myself often both appreciating my success and with more than a little “survivor’s guilt”. It’s complicated...
That said, how can we comprehend a famous person deciding that death is better/easier than life? Simple: it’s because we DO NOT KNOW their lives! Just because their life or work touched ours doesn’t give us any understanding or comprehension of their REAL life experience, pain, sadness or how their wellness may or may not be effecting a critical choice in that moment. I can tell you that there are very, very few absolute choices in this life. Suicide is one of them. I will not judge anyone for anything they do. In the wake of a tragic suicide, I will mourn the loss deeply and celebrate what they gave us. But whatever time we have on this planet is so fleeting that we should choose how we live and yes, even how we die. But are we choosing to LIVE? I think that’s ultimately what I have learned 15 years later. Are the choices I am making now about passing time or living life? I know my answer… These questions are something that I have to routinely put in front of myself lest I get lost in my own mental maze. That’s what responsibility looks like…and how one stays out of the river. #imnotashamed #suicidepreventionnow #talkitout
As a post-script, the Park Police officer made a joke to me as I was put into the ambulance: “I knew you weren’t going to jump in the water because you never took off your coat…” (Good point).
